Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
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My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]