upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
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Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.