upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
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Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Mmmm. Shoeshi
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*