“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
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The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Did a trash talking tree write this?
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.