@Rebecca8672: UPS guy just acted like he'd never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
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@ArfMeasures: [being chased round my house by a murderer] ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESS MURDERER: What? ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
@novicefather: I just steam cleaned my carpets and wondered how difficult a homicide would be to clean up.
@this503girl: Recently found out I'm not the devil. I read the tag on my underpants incorrectly; it said "Satin". Oops.