UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
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I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan