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do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“