7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
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It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
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Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Generation gap…
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands