Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
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So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
OKAY DAD
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.