Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
You Might Also Like
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.