We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
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I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?