Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
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KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.