Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
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Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Guy who likes music
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”