Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
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Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.