URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
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it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
#SCOTUS one-star review
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”