URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
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A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
“We will wed,” I threatened
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids