When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
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Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”