@DosieDoe: US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
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@my_minivan_life: 8yo: ... 6yo: ... 8yo: ... 6yo: ... 8yo: ... 6yo: ... 8yo: ....Punches 6yo in the face. Me: Woah,what the hell was that for? 8yo: He knows.
@Playing_Dad: *5 puts on shoes* Me: they're on the wrong feet. 5: but I can't... Me: can't..? 5 I don't have any more feet to put them on. Me: touche
@JermHimselfish: Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we're gonna fight crime together
@david8hughes: My dog: wasn't me Me: I know My dog: honest It wasn't me Me: it's ok really My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them