US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
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I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
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I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL