US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
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The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
I’m already scared
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.