I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
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Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight