Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
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I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
This hospital has everything
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*