USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
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When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.