@dshack8: Usain Bolt doesn't know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
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@Pulse_NYC: So proud of myself...6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
@mommy_cusses: *Husband using Ouija board after I've died* Please answer me *arrow moves* "It's on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!"
@sammyrhodes: Do they make a scale that says things like "Those shorts probably weigh, what, like 15 pounds?"