Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
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#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Check your privilege
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.