@dshack8: Usain Bolt doesn't know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
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@rivalpunks: In middle school, I had a crush on a kid named BJ. When you write Heather loves BJ on your notebooks, you make a lot of friends.
@MartaEffing: *runs my fingers thru your hair* *tightens grip* *pulls your head back* *looks you in the eye* Me: WTF do you mean you ate the last donut?
@UnFitz: Me: Hi, mom. I'm feeling tremendous guilt. Mom: Why? Me: Just thought I'd save you the effort.
@Brianhopecomedy: My 5 year old hasn't said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.