@dshack8: Usain Bolt doesn't know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
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@Reverend_Scott: WORM 911: what's ur emergency FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD WORM 911: u need medical help? FLATWORM: wait, there's 2 of me now. we're good.
@Izianikapani: "Do people really become like their pets?" I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
@sara_ashlynn: My daughter said, "You're the best mommy ever!" I'm really proud that she's learning sarcasm at such a young age.
@pizza_dragon: Pony: "I love hay so much I-" Dad: "Why don't you marry it, ya big nerd?" *pony grows up* *becomes Horse Emperor* *legalizes hay marriage*