Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
You Might Also Like
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
My first son he is wonderful
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’