Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
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Story of my life…..
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
There are no pants in heaven.
Dance like you’re not the father
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.