uh oh
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Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
This meal prepping shit is easy
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”