Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
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My background check bounced.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes