high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
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If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.