Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
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*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Damn what did I do next
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!