Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
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A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
I’m sure it’s fine.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Woke up against my better judgment again
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin