A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
You Might Also Like
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it