The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
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[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Actually cracking up @ this
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…