@Matt_the_1st: Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
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@Tommytoughstuff: Career day: Hi kids I'm Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?"
@SteveSuckington: [blind date] "I'm like, really good at *looks on hand* making the sex" -did you just read that off your hand? "Hey! You're not blind!"
@mdob11: I think people who use "go fly a kite" as an insult don't really understand kites or insults.
@AimeeHelene1: (Gamblers Anonymous meeting) Leader: Bob, tell us why you're here. Me: $20 it's a Blackjack addiction. Group: *all rushing to place bets*