@Matt_the_1st: Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
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@iamburtjarvis: wife: did you change the baby? me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
@jtswhipped: To the woman that told her husband to "bite my ballsack" at the store today,I golf clapped because you won life.
@jordan_stratton: Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
@Reverend_Scott: How to impress your ex: 1. Get rich 2. Get more attractive 3. Get a tiger 4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex