[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
You Might Also Like
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.