Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
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cat faces on other animals, a thread
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all