Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
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Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”