@WilliamAder: Used way too much moisturizer and I may have to call in slick tomorrow.
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@Spaced_Cowboy00: I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
@TheBoydP: Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
@Parkerlawyer: "In my years of practice I've done the same man's divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife." New client, "So you're saying there's hope?"
@AmericanGent69: Wife: I think my husband is spying on me. Friend: You're probably overreacting. Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?