The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
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Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
2023 was just a warmup
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”