Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of copymama's best tweets

@copymama : Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.

@Bob_Janke: Me: There's a cold spot I think it's a ghost

Her: You're standing in front of the open refrigerator

Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!

@lancshotlot: Just accidentally combined "chew the fat" with "shoot the shit". I won't spoil the surprise but neither have a good outcome.

@IamJackBoot: A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
...a terrible, terrible mistake.

@pbear79: Me: *trying to understand time zones* These things are all over the map.

@markydoodoo: [inventing the pelican]

god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone

@AndrewNadeau0: FRIEND: Don't come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.

@DonQuickoats: If I had a piranha pond I might ask you to come over and take a close look at the lilypads

@JustDontBugMe: M: MOMMMM, where are the scissors? I just bought a new pair!

Edward Scissorhands: You mean these?

M: Yesss! Could you just stop stealing my scissors every time you break a nail?!

@Lhlodder: My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!