Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of UncleDuke1969's best tweets

@UncleDuke1969 : Mary brought in donuts. Jim took the only Boston Cream. Jim knows those are my favorites. I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee. I pulled the fire alarm. We are on the 39th floor. Jim should learn to be more considerate.

@abi4205: Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.

@fu_dad: It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.

If you don’t hear from me again, they won.

@sixfootcandy: Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I'm too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)

@not_delicate: Me: I close my office door every day and nap for an hour without anyone noticing.

Interviewer: I'm not sure I'd call that a 'strength.'

@fu_dad: Wife: What are you doing today?

Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter

W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???

M: Nah he can't read

@simoncholland: Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That's my kid telling a story.

@BGH70: If you've ever asked yourself, "what if Cartman grew up and became president?", well…