USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
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*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
23. the denim jacket
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
LMAO
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you