@Bob_Janke: Me: There's a cold spot I think it's a ghost
Her: You're standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
@lancshotlot: Just accidentally combined "chew the fat" with "shoot the shit". I won't spoil the surprise but neither have a good outcome.
@IamJackBoot: A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
...a terrible, terrible mistake.
@markydoodoo: [inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
@AndrewNadeau0: FRIEND: Don't come on strong.
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
@DonQuickoats: If I had a piranha pond I might ask you to come over and take a close look at the lilypads
@JustDontBugMe: M: MOMMMM, where are the scissors? I just bought a new pair!
Edward Scissorhands: You mean these?
M: Yesss! Could you just stop stealing my scissors every time you break a nail?!
@Lhlodder: My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!