@tweetsvisual: This week on Twitter, i have talked to a cartoon bunny, a baby duck, a platypus that only speaks in haiku, tons of catfish and a chicken in a fox suit. So don't tell me these drugs aren't working.
@Phook75: My wife asked me to order a new chefs knife today and now I’m thinking she’s tricked me into purchasing her murder weapon
@wittwitbarista: I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
@batkaren: As if it weren't bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why's the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
@liv_thatsme: Just took a 2 hour flight next to a nervous woman on her first flight who was white-knuckling it the whole time, & as a frequent flyer, the onus was on me to console her. So naturally, I put my hand gently on her arm and whispered: “we’re all gonna die.”
@Playing_Dad: [At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You're fired.