Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ianpauldukes's best tweets

@ianpauldukes : ME: When I die, I want to be cremated. GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.

@JustMeTurtle: [Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.

@BlondAmbitionTO: I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.

@McGrumpenstein: I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.

@Jandalize: Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.

@pittdave13: The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van

@Lisabug74: [at sperm bank]

“Do you have anything on clearance?”

@LittleMissAngr1: 13 hung up on me, and 9 called me "Nagatha Christie". It is wine o'clock.

@UnFitz: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry

(I used a water pistol)

@FU_Dad: Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage

Bar tender: On the rocks?

Me: What? No. Full of coke