@JustMeTurtle: [Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
@BlondAmbitionTO: I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
@McGrumpenstein: I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
@pittdave13: The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
@LittleMissAngr1: 13 hung up on me, and 9 called me "Nagatha Christie". It is wine o'clock.
@FU_Dad: Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke