Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of XplodingUnicorn's best tweets

@XplodingUnicorn : My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant. She threw a fit and demanded a different costume. Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.

@3sunzzz: [gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]

*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!

@ClichedOut: Me: Did u get a haircut

Dad's brain:

don't say it
don't say it
don't say it
don't say it
don't say it
don't say it
don't say it
don't say it
don't say it
don't say it

Dad: No I got 'em all cut

@TheHyyyype: bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*

me: thanks

bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*

me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!

@better_off_dad: ‘Don’t you ever wonder why I don’t pick up?’

~my voicemail greeting

@_queenofcool: You're not a hopeless romantic. You're just stupid.

@sixfootcandy: DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.

ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.

DOCTOR: I meant-

ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.

@stewnami: Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.

@thatdutchperson: Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.

@iinkedZombie: [1st time meeting a friends baby]

Me to the Wife: "Our baby would kill their baby in a duel."

Friend: "HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!"