Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of PleaseBeGneiss's best tweets

@PleaseBeGneiss : ME: *trying to highlight text* WORD: and the last letter of previous word? ME: no, why? just follow my cursor WORD: ok so just half this word? ME: the whole word WORD: k ME: wtf WORD: oops ME: the word is gone WORD: the word is gone

@jctwritesstuff: Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin' bones.
Him: I'll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*

@Spaziotwat: [ 9 months BC ]

Mary: *changes Facebook status to "it's complicated"

@NourHadidi: I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.

@NotOwenMeany: "I'm sorry, it's too late in the series run to introduce a major character." - me, meeting anyone new.

@SteveKoehler22: Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.

The steaks have never been higher.

@JohnLyonTweets: “Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada

@jbmsoccerdad: Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool.....

*dips cookie in barbecue sauce

@KWalps: Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: (unconvincingly) Oh... oh no... stop... I don't... want to be late for work

@TamiDaBushPilot: I can feel my gut hanging out of my t-shirt but it's hidden by my hoodie so basically my secret identity is Winnie the Pooh.