Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of PleaseBeGneiss's best tweets

@PleaseBeGneiss : Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed Lion eating me: sorry

@sixfootcandy: It's always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.

@lmegordon: My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.

@fro_vo: hard to believe marijuana was born 420 years ago today

@KylePlantEmoji: [parade]

Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?

Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or

@AimeeHelene1: Hotel garbage cans are way too small.

How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!

@Parkerlawyer: I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.

Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.

@sarahmcgbeauty: Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!

Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.

@flower_punk: My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.

@dafloydsta: Why my coworker hates me:

He sends meeting invite for 2pm.

I propose new time of 2:03.

He revises, sends update.

I decline meeting.