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My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
My wedding will be open casket.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.