what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
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What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.