Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
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WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
*has no idea what a book even is*
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest