@0point5twins: My ex left because I "lack imagination".
"Yeah? Well you lack imagination!", I shouted after her.
@0point5twins: In phone books, "assisted living" is next to "assassin", so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to 'take care of grandma'.
@0point5twins: I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn't work.
@0point5twins: BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It's sm-
ME: I'm just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
@0point5twins: *knock knock*
"Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately"
"But I'm having a poo"
"We know sir, the phone box has glass sides"
@0point5twins: STUDENT: what's it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
@0point5twins: OMG... JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it's Ravioli.