Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of 0point5twins's best tweets

@0point5twins : If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it's because of her haircut.

@0point5twins: My ex left because I "lack imagination".

"Yeah? Well you lack imagination!", I shouted after her.

@0point5twins: Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself

@0point5twins: In phone books, "assisted living" is next to "assassin", so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to 'take care of grandma'.

@0point5twins: I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn't work.

@0point5twins: BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It's sm-

ME: I'm just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.

@0point5twins: *knock knock*

"Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately"

"But I'm having a poo"

"We know sir, the phone box has glass sides"

@0point5twins: STUDENT: what's it like being drunk?

TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.

STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.

@0point5twins: OMG... JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-

Oh wait, it's Ravioli.