I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
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Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.