I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
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If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
🤣🤣🤣
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”