This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
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job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.