[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
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Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
But I really needed water water water
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
This makes total sense…
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.