Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
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My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken