Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
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Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
🤣🤣🤣
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.