WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
You Might Also Like
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
This dude got his own movie?
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
The first one, obviously
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.