Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of 1Happytwit's best tweets

@1Happytwit : You shouldn't judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.

@1Happytwit: Once in your life, you'll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.

@1Happytwit: Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.

@1Happytwit: It's not about the sacrifices you have to make, it's about making sure your knife is sharp and they can't wiggle away.

@1Happytwit: Shouting "Shotgun" will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.

@1Happytwit: A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short - now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.

@1Happytwit: Cats don't come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can't put them in the washing machine.

@1Happytwit: They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn't mean to eat it. I don't want to be a bug.

@1Happytwit: You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it's cheaper and much more effective.

@1Happytwit: I like to skip when I'm carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.